Ole and Lena
Amidst the long hours and drudgery of life on the American frontier, Norwegian immigrants gave birth to an art form that has evolved without a hitch from the 19th Century barnyard to the 20th Century boardroom.Even now, in an age of political correctness run amok, Ole and Lena jokes thrive. The setting for the jokes, however, has changed. Nowadays, Ole and Lena, and lately Sven, are as likely to be riding in a jetliner as slogging through a pigpen.One reason the jokes have endured is that they are gentle and never mean-spirited. Ole and Lena are earthy, simple people, often mystified by American ways, making do with a little less than a full deck. After more than a century, they still speak with the heavy accent and fractured English of the immigrant who just stepped off the boat. Or the oxcart.-----
A highway patrolman stopped Ole's car on the freeway and told him that his wife had fallen out of his car three miles back."Tank god," Ole hollered. "I tot I'd gone deaf."-----
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The man at the counter offered his sympathy, then asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.Lena replied, "Yust put, Ole died." The counter man was puzzled and said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' There must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. The first five words are free."Lena thought it over for a moment, then said, "Okay. You put, 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'''-----
Ole decided to buy Lena a new car for her birthday.They shopped and shopped. Finally Lena found one she liked.But, before signing the papers, Lena looked at the car one more time.Suddenly, she bristled and walked away, saying she didn't want the car. She wouldn't even talk about it.
On the way home, Ole said, "Vell, Lena, I tot yew liked dat car. Vat shanged yer mind about it?""Ole, I yust don't vant any car vit XL on it," Lena answered. "It's bad enuff having dat on my undervear."-----
Ole, near death, shuffled through the house to the kitchen, smelling Lena's fresh lefse. When he made a weak grab for a piece of lefse, Lena smacked his hand with her spatula and said, "No yew don't, dat's for yer fewnral."-----
Big Ole was lifting 16 little pigs to the apple tree one by one so they could each grab an apple. Little Ole said, "Shake the apples out of the tree, the pigs will get them. Save a lot of time."Big Ole answered, "Vat do pigs care bout time?"-----
One afternoon, 15 years into their marriage, Ole and Lena were working together in the garden. As Lena was bending over pulling weeds, Ole said, "Hey, honey, yew're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as da gas grill now." Hoping to prove his point, Ole got the yard stick and measured the grill. Then he measured Lena's behind. "Ja," he said. "Yust vat I thot, 'bout da same size."Lena was in a fury. She stomped into the house and wouldn't speak to Ole for the rest of the day.That night, when they went to bed, Ole cuddled up to Lena and said, "Hey honey, how 'bout a little lovemaking?" Lena rolled over, turning her back to him."Vat's de matter?" Ole asked. "You don't tink I'm going to fire up this big a-- grill for vun little weenie, do you?"-----
Ole bought a bunch of pigs, hoping to breed them for pork and bacon. Weeks went by, and he noticed that none of the pigs was getting pregnant. He called a vet.The vet told Ole he should try artificial insemination. Ole had no idea what that meant, but he didn't want to look stupid so he asked how he'd know when a pig was pregnant. The vet told him the pig would stop standing around and lie down and wallow in the mud.Ole hung up, thought it over, and figured that artificial insemination meant he'd have to make the pigs pregnant himself. So he loaded the pigs into his truck, drove them out to the woods, had sex with them all, then drove them home and went to bed.The next morning, Ole looked at the pigs and saw they were all standing around. Figuring it hadn't worked the first time around, Ole loaded the pigs in the truck again, took them out to the woods, had sex with each pig twice to make sure, then drove the pigs home and went to bed.The next morning, he looked out and saw the pigs still standing around. Once again, he loaded the pigs in the truck, drove them to the woods, spent all day with them, then drove them home and fell into bed, exhausted.The next morning, Ole couldn't even raise himself from the bed to look out. So he asked Lena to check the pigs to see if any of them were lying in the mud."Naw," Lena said, "Dey're all in de truck, and vun a dem's honkin' de horn."-----
Ole and Lena brewed their own beer. Separately. And they got into endless arguments about whose beer was best.To settle the question once and for all, they decided to ask a neutral party to judge. Each sent a sample to the U.S. Department of Agriculture.A month later, the report came back: "We are sorry to tell you that both of your horses have diabetes."-----
Ole was sitting at the bar throwing down double shots. Every once in a while he would pull out a picture of Lena, look at it, then stuff it back in his pocket.Sven saw this and asked, "Vat ya keep lookin at that picture for, Ole?""Oh vell," Ole said, "ven I see dat Lena is startin to look good, dat is ven it's time to go home."-----
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."Ole said, "Jeez, okay," and got up.Two days later, they were sipping their coffee when the weather man came on again. "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."Ole said, "Jeez, okay," and got up.Three days later, Ole and Lena were again drinking coffee when the weather man said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..."The power went off.Ole looked baffled. "Vat am I gonna to do now, Lena?" he asked."Aw Ole, yust leave de car in de garage," she said.-----
Ole was talking to Sven. "I heard da odder day dat dere is four stages of getting older.""Vad are dey?" Sven asked."Furst, yu start forgedding faces.""Den, you start forgedding names.""Den you forget to zip up."Sven spoke up. "Vat is de fourth stage?"Ole: "You forged to zip down."-----
Lena woke up in the middle of the night to find that Ole was missing from their bed.Checking the house, she heard sounds coming from the basement. She turned on the light, went down the stairs, and saw Ole curled up in a corner, crying."Vat's da matter?" Lena asked."Tink bak tventy years ago?" Ole whimpered. "I got yew pregnant and yer daddy said I had to marry you or go to jail?""Yah," Lena said. "Of course.""Vell," Ole said. "Today is tventy years. I vod have god out of jail tonight."-----
Ole and Lena were 80 years old and having trouble remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor for a checkup. The doctor told them they were physically okay, but might want to start writing notes as reminders. They thanked him and left. Later that night, while watching TV, Ole got up from his chair and headed for the kitchen."Vill you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Lena asked."Sure," Ole said, and walked away."Don't you tink you should write dat down?" Lena called after him."Naw, I can remember dat," Ole answered."Vell, I also vod like some strawberries on top. You'd better write dat down becuz I know you'll forget dat." "I can remember dat," Ole said. "You vant a bowl of ice cream vit strawberries.""Vell, I also vod like vipped cream on top," Lena called after him. "I know you vill forget dat so you better write it down." "I don't need to write dat down," Ole answered, irritated. "I can remember dat."Fuming, he walked to the kitchen.Twenty minutes later, Ole handed Lena a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate and snapped at Ole: "I TOLD you to write it down. You forgot my toast."-----
Sven's friend Ole stopped by for a visit one day. "How's it going vit yourmarriage, Ole? Is da honeymoon over yet?" Sven asked.
"Vell, da marriage is doing fine." said Ole. "And Lena she treats me yustlike a Greek god."
"Dat's great," said Sven. "How do you get treated like a Greek God, Ole?""Vel, you see, Sven, every night da wife serves me a burnt offering."----Ole was going on a trip to Norway. After boarding the plane he sat down in seat 16A. Soon, another passenger assigned to 16A came along and pointed out that he was in the wrong seat. "Der's plenty of seats," Ole replied. "Yew can go find anudder seat."Annoyed, the other passenger showed Ole his ticket and seat assignment. Still, Ole refused to move. The passenger told the stewardess what had happened. The stewardess spoke to Ole, but couldn't persuade him to move. She asked the captain to intervene.The captain bent down toward Ole's ear and whispered. Ole jumped to his feet and ran back to his assigned seat. Astonished, the stewardess asked the Captain what he had said to Ole."I just told him that 16A wasn't going to Norway."----Sven was walking near the riverfront when he spotted a travel agency. A sign in the windowannounced: "Luxury Cruises, only $69.95." Sven walked in and asked about the cruise. The agent asked Sven if he had $69.95 cash, and he said, "Yah, sher."
Three toughs came out of hiding, hit Sven over the head, took all his cash, stuffed himin a barrel and dumped the barrel in the river.
A bit later, Ole saw the same sign in the same window. He walked inside and asked about the luxury cruise. The agent asked Ole if he had $69.95 cash. Ole said, "Yah, sher."The three toughs hit Ole over the head, took all his cash, stuffed him in a barrel and dumped the barrel in the river.Sven and Ole bobbed down the river in their barrels for a few minutes until both regained consciousness. Sven spotted Ole next to him and asked, "Say, do yew know vedder dey serve dinner on dis croose?""Naw, I don't tink so," Ole replied. "Dey didn't last year."----Ole lay sprawled across three seats in the posh theater. The usher took note of this and whispered, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."Ole groaned, but didn't budge. The usher wasn't going to let things pass. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager," he growled.Ole just groaned some more.The usher trotted up the aisle, and came right back with the manager. Still, they couldn't get Ole to pull himself together, so they called the cops. "All right buddy, what's your name?" one cop demanded.
"Ole.""Where ya from, Ole?""Da balcony."----Sven was pulling his boat up on shore when Ole wandered by."Sven! Vat yew bin doin?" Ole asked."I bin fishin, Ole. Vat yew tink I bin doin vit dese hir rods?""Did yew katch anyting?""Fer sher. Sven alvays katches ven he fishes.""If I gess how many you katch vill you gimme vun a dem?""If yew gess how many I katch I give you BOT a dem.""I gess T-R-REE.""Dat ain't bad. You only missed it by T00."----Ole told Lena he was going to chop down 20 trees with his ax and would be done by suppertime. He chopped all day long, but dropped only one tree. That night he was so tired he went to bed without supper.The next morning Ole got up bright and early and told Lena: "I am goin' into town to pick me up vun a dose chain saws. Dat der ax yust don't vurk so good." At the hardware story, the owner picked out a chain saw and said, "Here's the one you want. It's guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day."Ole got excited and said, "Dat's yust vat I need! I'll take it."The next day, Ole again got up bright and early, worked all day, but still dropped only one tree. He fumed to Lena, "Dis here chain saw is a piece of yunk! I am goin' to de store to get my money back."He stormed into the hardware store and hollered, "Dis here chain saw don't verk. Yew said I could cut down tventy trees in a day, and I could only cut down vun."
Puzzled, the owner said, "Oh? Let's see if it's working right." He started the saw, and it went BRRUMMMM....Mmamamamama.....BRUMMMMM..mmamamamama.....the way chainsaws do.Startled, Ole jumped back and yelled: "VAT'S DAT AWFUL NOISE?"----Ole was so worried he went to see his doctor. "I yust don't know vat to do," he said. "Lena and me, vell, our sex life ain't goin so gud.""All you need is some exercise," the doctor said. "I want you to walk 10 miles every day. Call me in a week and let me know how things are going."A week later the phone rang and the doctor answered it."Doc, dis is Ole.""Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?""Ya.""Has your sex life improved?" "How da hell vod I know? I'm 70 miles from home."----Ole and Lena were lying in bed when the phone rang.Answering it, Ole paused, then hollered, "Vell, how da hell vod I know? Dat's over 2,000 miles avay." He hung up in a fury."Who vas dat, Ole?" Lena asked."Damned if I know," Ole answered. "Some guy vants ta know if da coast is clear."